Home Improvement

I haven't been a very nice person lately. I don't know if it's the infertility thing wieghing on me or if I've just stopped considering myself accountable to the rules of social conduct but it's time for some drastic change. Before I outline my plan for change, I'll outline my shortcomings in bullets;

• Total lack of humility. I have become my father. I am right, you are wrong and my way is the only way.
• Cranky. I have not been in a good mood for what feels like months. I am short with Ms. O, Mr. M, co-workers and strangers.
• Nagging. Yes, there are things that need to be done around the house. Yes, there has been a list on the fridge for two months, on which only two things have been crossed off. Does that mean I need to talk to Mr. M like he's two years old? Probably not.
• Unmotivated. At home, at work, both are suffering because I can't get myself together and get something done.

Now, because that last bullet list was thrilling, let me make a list for change;

• Practice the advice in Desi.derata. That pretty much sums up how I have tried to live for the last five years and what I need to get back to.
• Organize and Schedule. To conquer my lack of motivation I need to stop thinking of most tasks as "optional". Organize it, schedule it and maintain it.
• Stop spending money! Why is this so hard for me? I've spent the last two years trying to recover from a rough patch. I could be so much further ahead if I didn't live as though I'll be gone tomorrow and can't take it with me. I'll venture to guess I will feel a lot better, thus be a better person, if I had some control over my spending and, dare I say it, some money in the bank.
• Let go of my anger. I can't explain why this is the most predominant emotion I feel with respect to my infertility but I can honestly feel my anger. It's this warm bubble somewhere in my chest, there all the time. If I let myself start to think about the "why me" and "it's not fair" the warm bubble starts to boil and spread across my entire torso. I have never let anything affect me the way this anger does. It stops now. I'm going to take this extra time I've been given to prepare for a baby that I now consider inevitable.

So there it is. The list of ways I can improve my home and my status as a human being.

Sick Days

Ms. O was sick last week. Nothing serious, it was just a cold. Usually Mr. M and I will trade off sick days when Ms. O is sick but Mr. M was booked up with meetings and lunches all week so I got to stay home with her for two whole days.

She came into my room Monday night at about midnight and asked me to turn on the thing that puts water in the air so she can breathe (humidifier). See, Ms. O sucks her thumb (yes, she’s 7; let us put aside this argument for a later date). When you have a cold, as a thumb sucker, you have to make an impossible choice - breathe or sleep. She couldn’t suck her thumb because she couldn’t breathe out of her nose and she couldn’t sleep because she couldn’t suck her thumb.

At about 1:00am she came into my room and said “It’s not working, I still can’t breathe”. At 1:30 I could hear her crying quietly in her bedroom at which point I got up, brought her some water and settled into bed with her. I figured I’m not sleeping as long as she’s not sleeping; we might as well not sleep together.

The first day home we spent catching up on our sleep and lazing around.

The second day, both feeling pretty good, we got productive. I washed, dried and put away all of the laundry (in one day!), painted the spare room, cooked dinner and made brownies. All accomplished while logging on to my work email every hour or so to keep tabs on things. I put Ms O. to work creating works of art to hang in the freshly painted spare room and secured two bedside tables from my mom.

All in all, the sense of accomplishment I felt was not anything I ever get out of a day at work, and I love my job. I think it’s time to figure out how to be a stay at home mom…