I'm in! I start the Suprefact Sept. 2, stims Sept. 16 and retrieval around Sept. 27. I can't get over how fast everything is going to happen. After almost three years suddenly I'm one month away from being pregnant until proven otherwise and 6 weeks away from peeing on a stick. And, yes, of course I'm going to pee on a stick before the beta! After approximately 100 negative pee sticks, not even a single faint line, I am not going to let infertility take that away from me.

Now I have a whole new list of fears. What if I forget to take a dose of Suprefact? What if I screw up an injection? What if I screw up the trigger? What if I don't respond? What if I respond too well? Mr. M is, for once, the optimist. He seems to think we're pretty much pregnant already. Unfortunately I can't burst his bubble with all of the potential for disaster before the eggs are even retrieved. He doesn't even seem to realize there is a possibility the eggs won't fertilize. What if they don't? What do we know, we've never had any proof that we can make a baby together since I'm quite certain whatever it was that blocked up those tubes happened immediately after giving birth to Ms. O. My doctor thought it was constipation causing me the excrutiating pain when she was about three weeks old but me and constipation are very old friends; I know what that feels like and that wasn't it.

On another note, we have decided not to tell anyone aside from a few people. Our respective supervisors are already aware this was imminent now we will be informing them it's go time. We've already told my closest friend and her husband. I would have told them anyway, but they live very close to us so if we need them to watch Ms. O with little notice they will need to know why. (There's something about bringing my 7 year old daughter to the infertility clinic that seems a little offside so we'll be leaving her with friends or family if appointments are outside of school hours)

One person I will not be informing is my mother. She has no concept of how hard this has been on me nor does she understand how hard it will be if this doesn't work. She'll tell everyone, not just family but random friends of hers, cashiers at the grocery store, co-workers at the job she just started this week and so on. I will then have to systematically un-tell everyone if this doesn't work.

On the optimistic side, if this does work, I want to make the big announcement. I want to wait three months and tell everyone at Christmas. I want to be pregnant like a fertile. Infertility has stolen so much from me, I'm not going to let my mom finish the job.

I can't imagine it's a very good sign when the prospect of surgery and the subsequent week off is as exciting as going on vacation. I think I need to put a hold on the overtime for a while.

What is actually exciting to sane people, is the two weeks of vacation after my surgery vacation. That's right, three consecutive weeks off! Camping, gardening, knitting and cleaning are a few of the things I am looking forward to. I am also looking forward to accepting treatment when offered when I call the period hot line next month. I'm pretty sure it will be offered, I just have to make sure Mr. M doesn't do his typical panic-fueled backpedal when it happens. I love all of him, even the neuroses. He'll be fine.

I will also be celebrating my twenty-eighth birthday while on holidays. That one I'm looking forward to with one part dread, two parts happiness. I like twenty-eight, it sounds like a good number. I think if I had to choose an age to stay at forever, it would be twenty-eight. Dread because we started this crazy journey when I was 25, we're getting pretty darn close to three years here. I never - even when I suspected something was wrong - would have guessed it was going to take this long. I strongly suspect I will be getting a Can.on Reb.el camera for my birthday. Good timing considering as of two weeks ago my camera is on the bottom of the Bow River after that fateful canoe trip. Still having nightmares about that one.

I guess when vacation is over, so too is our summer. This has been a great summer already, the last half can only be better.

Ms. O is back, life is returning to it's normal state and I couldn't be happier. I've been working a lot of overtime the last month and camping every weekend, including last weekend when I had a near death experience. I'm still pretty shaken up and couldn't have been more grateful that Ms. O wasn't with us. The situation could have been much worse. Needless to say, I will not be canoeing on a river anytime soon. I think a 20' wide raft should do the trick next year. Everyone is ok aside from a really wicked bruise on my arm and some nicks and scratches.

I need to find more time to blog, I've just been so tired and considering we're in a holding pattern until my tubes come out in August, I really haven't been thinking about trying to conceive for the last two months. I did take a pregnancy test last cycle but only because I was at 35 days and nothing and wanted to make sure I could imbibe over the weekend.

That's all for now, surgery is August 10 and I might (fingers crossed) start IVF #1 in September. Finally.

Now that our first round of IVF is not far away (well, we're on the wait list, but close enough for me ) I find I'm having trouble not telling people. I don't mean friends and family - they are all aware of the situation and as excited as we are. I mean co-workers, strangers, the few neighbours I don't talk to on a regular basis. I could be setting myself up for unconquerable disappointment and when it really comes down to it, I don't think I will tell anyone aside from my best friend when it's actually happening.

Why not my mom? A long story for another day, a short story for today. My mom will have everyone in my family on constant updates. I'm pretty certain her Facebo.ok status would reflect every drug, procedure and milestone I reached throughout the process and who needs that kind of pressure?

Anyway, I've never been one to shy away from disappointment. I've given up on what I wanted, too afraid to be let down, and lived with the regret of never giving it a try. I'll take blind hope followed by defeat over that any day. This is going to work. It's going to work on the first try. And if it doesn't work on the first try, well I guess it will have to be the second time. If not the second, the third.

I know I'm going to have Mr. M's baby and I know I will tell every person - family, friend or stranger - exactly how I got it. And for anyone that wants to know more, I will tell them how much it hurt these past two years. How, every month, the amount of days you were knocked down after another negative pregnancy test were more and more as time went on until there was no distinction between cycles and all of them were down days. If they want to know even more, I can tell them how hard it is to will yourself to pull yourself up when you know there is an instant cure out there eluding you month after month. How maybe you had to learn these devastating lessons in patience, malleability and perseverence before your perceived success because eventually they were going to be what saves you from self destruction.

When I do get my baby, there will be someone that hears my story and maybe I'll be the one that picks them up that day. And if - this hurts to write - I don't get my baby I know I will be capable of picking myself up off the ground.

Bye Bye Tubies

Well, as I expected, before proceeding with IVF I have to have both fallopian tubes removed. The finality of having my tubes removed is a little hard to come to terms with. This annihilates any chance of getting pregnant naturally. Not that there was much chance of it before but at least there was some chance. Since last November when I was diagnosed with bilateral hydrosalpinx I've know this was the only way to move forward with IVF. I'm not going to throw all of that money and effort down the drain to end up with an ectopic pregnancy that could have been viable if I had just had my tubes taken out.

Mr. M is having trouble accepting this is the only way. I think over the last six months his optimism has increased as steadily as mine has decreased. I don't think I was being pessimistic so much as realistic. I knew my tubes had given up the ghost and had come to terms that IVF was the only solution. The surgery, the Clom.id - all just going through the motions to get me where I am today. I'm finally making progress and couldn't be more happy about it.

What was a little hard to accept is that my right tube seems to be making some kind of recovery. It's no longer enlarged and filled with fluid. I didn't expect that. Regardless, I think the damage sustained while it was hydrosalpinging (?) doesn't leave it in much shape to lead those fertilized eggs to my ready and waiting uterus. Speaking of my uterus, aside from being tilted, it's apparently paradise for embryos. I've been told by three doctors that I have beautiful lining. Good news for my future petri dish conceived babies...

Our IVF info session is tonight, with our appointments tomorrow. Mr. M has to get another SA (I’m beginning to wonder about him, he says it’s fun; he tries to impress the nurses with how quickly he can get it done…) and I have my ultrasound followed by our meeting with the doctor and nurse. I’m not too worried about that, I’ve had so many people in my business over the last year; they aren’t going to tell us anything we don’t already know.

What I am worried about is the information session tonight. What if we run into someone we know? Mr. M works in our predominant industry as technical sales. It’s a running joke between us that we can’t get anything done without running into at least two people he knows. So what is appropriate small talk if you run into someone at an IVF info session? “Is it you or her?” “PCOS or Endometriosis?” I mean, really, it’s not like you can ignore the fact that a) you know each other, or b) you are at an information session for infertility. Awkward…

Anyway, I’m getting excited for the whole process to begin. I expect to make my first call in mid-June to see if I can get in that month. It’s unlikely, but I did get in the clinic in half the time I expected to. I can think of a hundred reasons why they won’t have very many people doing IVF right now; the economy, summer vacations, etc. I feel pretty confident I won’t have to wait long. Even if I do, I plan on taking the extra time I’ve been given to knit up some baby stuff and make a few baby quilts. I know there is always the possibility that I may never have another baby but then I’ll just have a nice stock of hand made baby gifts at the ready.

Home Improvement

I haven't been a very nice person lately. I don't know if it's the infertility thing wieghing on me or if I've just stopped considering myself accountable to the rules of social conduct but it's time for some drastic change. Before I outline my plan for change, I'll outline my shortcomings in bullets;

• Total lack of humility. I have become my father. I am right, you are wrong and my way is the only way.
• Cranky. I have not been in a good mood for what feels like months. I am short with Ms. O, Mr. M, co-workers and strangers.
• Nagging. Yes, there are things that need to be done around the house. Yes, there has been a list on the fridge for two months, on which only two things have been crossed off. Does that mean I need to talk to Mr. M like he's two years old? Probably not.
• Unmotivated. At home, at work, both are suffering because I can't get myself together and get something done.

Now, because that last bullet list was thrilling, let me make a list for change;

• Practice the advice in Desi.derata. That pretty much sums up how I have tried to live for the last five years and what I need to get back to.
• Organize and Schedule. To conquer my lack of motivation I need to stop thinking of most tasks as "optional". Organize it, schedule it and maintain it.
• Stop spending money! Why is this so hard for me? I've spent the last two years trying to recover from a rough patch. I could be so much further ahead if I didn't live as though I'll be gone tomorrow and can't take it with me. I'll venture to guess I will feel a lot better, thus be a better person, if I had some control over my spending and, dare I say it, some money in the bank.
• Let go of my anger. I can't explain why this is the most predominant emotion I feel with respect to my infertility but I can honestly feel my anger. It's this warm bubble somewhere in my chest, there all the time. If I let myself start to think about the "why me" and "it's not fair" the warm bubble starts to boil and spread across my entire torso. I have never let anything affect me the way this anger does. It stops now. I'm going to take this extra time I've been given to prepare for a baby that I now consider inevitable.

So there it is. The list of ways I can improve my home and my status as a human being.

Hope has been reinstated...

A sense of calm and inevitability has settled over me. I can finally accept that while pregnancy has eluded me I no longer feel it has to happen on my terms. I know it will happen; it’s just a matter of patience. Patient is not a word that describes me at all but I’m beginning to feel like someone out there is telling me it’s something I need to work on.

It’s been a long month. Friends of ours that sparked our TTC journey when they became pregnant with their first child are now pregnant with their second. This friend is incredible. While I don’t discuss the emotional ramifications the last two years have had on me, I think she knows it’s been hard. She said “I wish it was you” when she told me she was pregnant.

The Clomid has made me an emotional wreck, but less physical symptoms this time around. I’m pretty sure I felt myself ovulate on Wednesday. Either that or my ovaries were over stimulated and ruptured because there was surely something going on down there. The timing should be just right as well as Mr. M and I have BD’d every day for the last week, including Wednesday morning.

The weather has been teasing us, giving us a nice warm day, all the snow begins to melt and then you wake up one morning and there is two more feet of it. Everyone seems to be affected by it; there is no escaping the feeling of despair emanating from everyone in this city.

Take heart fellow Calgarians, I am now using my amazingly strong will to bring spring. It is time for everyone around me to perk up - look alive! I am back to my old self and now require the rest of you to follow suit.

I Surrender

While the last two years TTC have been difficult, they in no way compare to how it has been for me the last three months. If you took all of the pain, disappointment, anger and failure from March 2007 to December 2008 and put it in one container and all of the above from January 2009 to today and put it in another, you would need a Tupper.ware sandwich size container for the former and a Rubber.maid tote for the latter.

Mr. M and I were lying in bed Sunday morning talking; taking advantage of a quiet house. I told him how angry I am at our situation. How bitter I feel when I see a pregnant woman. I started to cry. I asked him to take some of the burden from me. I feel like ever since we found out I was the infertile I have walked alone. I felt a lot better, just telling him what I’m going through. I’m pretty sure he didn’t know. I find it difficult, if not impossible to ask for help. I find it even more difficult to talk about “feelings”. As Jon from “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” put it, I don’t like the way feelings make me feel. Even writing this is hard, I reread it and it sounds stilted.

This is all so foreign, I have never felt like I can’t fix something myself. I am not afraid of hard work. I am not afraid of asking for what I want. I have never given up. I don’t know how to give up; I am incapable of giving up.

I have reached my limit. I can’t take anymore. I surrender to the unmistakable higher power out there. I am not in control. I get it. I accept it. Can I have my baby now?

Revelations

Mr. M and I had an argument last week. This is not a frequent occurence so when we do have an argument it is usually regarding something fairly serious. This time was no different. This was a disagreement regarding priorities, something that plagues every couple.

We have been trying to have a baby for two years now and are getting a little help this month. I assumed this would mean the priority for us this month would be making a baby...not so for Mr. M. His boss was in town on a very important night so rather than coming home after work and dealing with the task at hand, he decided to stay out until 11:30pm (long past my bedtime). I was devastated.

How could he possibly, after everything I've been through up until this point, stay out until 11:30. Tonight of all nights. He must not want a baby, he's backing out but is afraid to tell me. He is the most selfish and insensitive person, completely throwing away one month of my suffering due to the medication I'm on.

Needless to say, I didn't get a lot of sleep that night. The next morning I couldn't shake this deep feeling of impotence and hoplessness. I was in my office all morning wondering what to do. All of the sudden, it came to me.

Nothing.

I couldn't do a thing because as much as I need to be pregnant this month he feels the same burning need to keep his job. Not that he would lose his job because he didn't go out for dinner with his boss, but this is the way he operates. I think he is being completely irrational for giving up this opportunity, but then it occured to me that he probably thinks I'm being completely irrational for expecting him to give up the opportunity to have dinner with his boss.

And I get it. My primal need to have his babies is no different from his primal need to feed, shelter and clothe his family.

So I called him to say good morning.

Revelations.

Infertility...

Yes, I have secondary infertility. Mr. M and I have been trying to have a baby for two years this month. As Mr. M is significantly older than me, our window is very small. Not biologically, purely because he doesn't want to be 65 and running his kids to hockey practice.

A year ago we went to see our family doctor because we hadn't had any results. Logically we assumed Mr. M was the problem because I had already had one child without his involvement. He was fine, it turns out, and I am not. Without getting into the gory details, it has been discovered that I have blocked fallopian tubes. That's still a little gory. One has been opened via a diagnostic procedure (a nice little side effect) so as a hail mary play while we wait for IVF, I begin Cl.omid this month.

I may be crazy to say this out loud, but I think in approximately 5 weeks, you will see a picture of a positive pregnancy test on this blog. I am willing it to happen.