There are no words...

 ...only bliss.

Left: Baby A, otherwise known as Harper

Right: Baby B, commonly referred to as Daley

I may at some point post my birth story but obviously only for posterity's sake as no one actually reads this blog. If you happen to be a really committed lurker, just comment and I will post some really  gushy posts about how happy we are and so on.

32w4d today. Nothing to report. I have no energy left aside from small bursts that leave me with swollen feet and sore hips because I do too much. I think the lack of energy is directly related to the weather. For some reason, the one year I need it to be warm and sunny in May if only to make me feel as though I am actually getting closer to reclaiming my body, the weather has been brutal. Snow, wind, cold with the odd really nice day thrown in just to send you back into a pit of despair when you look out the window the next day and can't see anything but white. It is on these nice days that my energy returns along with my will to live.

We have been keeping busy, redecorating Ms. O's room before the babies come. Call me crazy, but I don't think babies really care what their room looks like and I know for a fact that eight-year-old girls do. We didn't spend a lot of money, just a new paint colour, some pictures for the wall and new bedding. I also bought a used desk for her room. She organized the desk yesterday and spends every spare minute sitting there sketching or reading.

I have started to wrap my head around the babies' room as well and actually picked up a few pictures for the wall. I have come to the conclusion that the paint colour is what was holding me back. It was to adult-y. Mr. M's next job is to repaint in there and we will be set. I never did pick out bedding sets, I just can't justify the minimum $400 I would have to spend on two bedding sets for twins. I'll sew up some quick coordinating quilts and call it done. I may have to ask our dog for his opinion on redecorating as it seems he has claimed that room as his own.

That's about all I've got going on these days, just waiting...

28w2d today. I had an ultrasound last week. Both girls are doing well with weights estimated around 2.5 pounds each. Baby A is slightly bigger than Baby B, but has been consistently throughout so no concerns there. My cervix is still measuring around 5-6 cm, they can't get an accurate measurement because Baby A is ensuring her status and refuses to move her head from my cervix. I don't think she needs to worry as seems Baby B is in no hurry to get out. She is transverse across the top of my abdomen with her head resting on A's feet. My doctor said my cervix is the longest he's seen in a twin pregnancy. Guess that whole "threatened pre-term labour" thing wasn't much of a threat. Oops. I suppose there is no way of knowing what condition my cervix would be in had I kept working so we'll just say my superstar cervix is due to my early retirement.

The 2nd trimester honeymoon is over, I'm starting to tire out quickly again and am having more sleepless nights than not. I am so lucky I don't have to work, I don't think I could at this point anyway. If I sit too long my ribs start to hurt. I have no idea why, it just happens. I don't mind not sleeping at night because I know I don't have to work the next day. I have found sleeping on the floor is more comfortable than sleeping on the bed.

Time is moving so quickly I feel like I'll be bringing my babies home any day now. When we are invited to something I actually have to consider whether I might be in the hospital that weekend. We are pushing it with a friends wedding in mid-May, it's out of town (in the mountains, actually) but I can't get June 6 out of my head. I'm certain that's when it's going to happen. The location of the wedding is only about three hours from the city, if I have even a slight hint I'm in labour, we'll be in the truck on our way home inside of five minutes.

I feel more grateful for this pregnancy every day. I know it sounds cheesy but I can't get over how lucky I am. It's spread to every facet of my life. I feel lucky for Mr. M and Ms. O, lucky to live where I do (my house, my neighbourhood, my city, my province and my country). I am so freaking happy, it's disgusting.

First, let me start by saying I love, love, love not working! Such a change from my first pregnancy (8 years and nine months ago) when I was working two jobs and with someone who thought it was reasonable to up and quit their job when the mother of his child was seven months pregnant. And not look for another one. For three months. Huge difference!

Secondly, I was very adamant about not wanting a baby shower. I told everyone we would throw a backyard BBQ after the babies were born, cost of entry would be one pack of diapers.

Let us go back in time to last Saturday. It was Ms. O's birthday, we had been planning for a couple of weeks to go for breakfast and then take her shopping for a new bike. We were out of the house by 8:30 after much dawdling by Mr. M (you are wiping the counters when you have a hungry pregnant woman standing here staring at you wondering if you have completely lost your mind?!). After breakfast, we went to the bike store and Ms. O picked out a very reasonably priced, logical bike (was not expecting that). The staff gave it the once over and outfitted her with a new helmet. By this time it is about 11am. Mr. M asks if I want to go to Sears and look at strollers and carseats.

This is where I should stop and explain how very unsuspicious of a nature I must possess. This is the man that will not go to the mall during the day, in the middle of the week for any reason and here he was suggesting we go to the mall, that even I avoid at all cost, on a Saturday! And I think nothing of it! I knew if we went that I would be coming home with a stroller and two carseats because I already had picked them out. I agree, we go to the mall, we purchase said items and leave with them in the back of the truck.

At this point I am spent. We were up at 7am and I have been hauling around my extra 40 pounds for 5 hours. We pull up to the house and I go inside. I say "It smells minty..." and then I see a table of presents, balloons and food set up and my sister's head poke around the corner of the dining room. All of the sudden, about twenty people emerge from the kitchen and the realization that I am getting a baby shower whether I like it or not hits me.

I was so shocked I couldn't say a word. The last week started flooding back to me - strange phone calls, wierd avoidances and dodged plans for Saturday. After the shock wore off, I realized this was going to be my kind of baby shower. All of our friends were there, there were two coolers of beer in the kitchen and half the people there were already getting their drink on. I also realized there are only two rolls of bath tissue in the house.

They insisted I get the presents over with so we could get the party started. I still can't believe the generosity of our friends. Mr. M had demanded I go register a couple of weeks ago because "his family kept bugging him about what to get us". Every big ticket item and most small things were purchased from the registry, as well as so many clothes and sleepers these girls will need to wear two outfits a day for the first three months. I really don't need to buy another thing before these babies come (not that it will stop me).

After the obligatory shower activities were over with, we all moved to the backyard, got the firepit going and it turned into a party. Everyone was gone by 9pm and I stayed up until midnight playing with all of my new stuff.

The biggest shout out goes to Ms. O who gave up her day to give me mine. She was happy riding her new bike around the cul-de-sac with her cousin and friends all day. She didn't even hint at being disappointed that her birthday was hijacked by the new babies.

At the end of the night, all I could think was how eternally grateful I was to whatever higher power gave me the extra push to actually shower and slap on some mascara that morning.

(***Written last week but didn't get time to post)

I am officially off work. I had my appointment at my maternity clinic last Thursday and in walked the doctor I saw at the hospital last week. Wierd, eh? She had mentioned she was a resident when I saw her at the hospital but it turned out she had been assigned to my doctor for her "ob turn" or something like that. A pretty big coincidence considering this is a big city (by Canadian standards) so that sort of thing doesn't happen every day. The advantage was that I didn't have to explain everything all over again.

Everything is fine, I'm measuring 30 weeks and have my next ultrasound March 11. That's a little longer of a wait than I had hoped for but I can deal. The ob/gyn did say he would like me to stay off work if it was financially feasible because the contractions weren't random, but could be associated with certain activities. It was hard to make the call to my supervisor but overall I feel pretty good about this. I imagine the stress I would have been under in these next few weeks with our looming deadline and can't help but think we dodged a bullet. Already my episodes of anxiety are less frequent and don't last as long.

I guess this makes this an infertile, pregnant with twins after IVF, SAHM blog. I'm going to print business cards.

I am on a break from work. Nothing serious, just a recommendation from the doctor due to some painless but frequent contractions and high blood pressure. I have another appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping for an ultrasound to verify my cervix is still long and closed but otherwise I'm just trying to enjoy my time here. I have to keep reminding myself not to think about work, or feel guilty for leaving them two weeks before a deadline that was already in peril. It's just work, right?

Now that I'm hyper-aware of any contractions, it's funny to be able to connect them to my current activiy or mood. Some funny triggers;

-Talking to my mom or sister, usually one of them complaining about the other
-Thinking about work
-Cleaning the bathroom (too bad)
-Watching hockey (I keep that one a secret from Mr. M; there is no way I am missing out on watching Canada thump the rest of the world) or missing the Flames comeback in time for playoffs

One weird side effect (symptom?) that has presented in the last couple of weeks is these intense bouts of anxiety. They last about an hour during which time my heart is thumping, my mind races, my skin crawls. I am not typically an anxious person - the most common word people use when describing me is "laid back". At the time I can't pinpoint any thought or worry to associate with the anxiety. I brought it up with the doctor, they said it could be my blood pressure setting off the jittery feeling and to keep tabs on it and keep mentioning it if it persists.

So 21.5 weeks, feeling good.

The ultrasound went really well today. Both babies are measuring three days ahead and....they're both girls!!! I can't decide if I'm so happy because they are girls or just because I finally know. I can plan and decorate and think of names. It all seemed so distant and intangible before. Now it feels so real. I can't explain it. Ms O and I went shopping and she picked out two outfits for them. I picked up a couple of sleepers and receiving blankets, all pinks and purples.

We emptied out the guest room last weekend and picked up a couple of cribs this week. I don't know what possessed me but I suddenly had. to. have. cribs. now! There are far more practical things I should have been obsessing about (carseats for instance) but so goes this pregnancy. One minute I can't force myself to buy anything baby related and the next I'm dropping a few hundred dollars in one week.

This weekend is fabric shopping. I'm going to get enough for coordinated quilts and curtains for the room. I would also like some wall art (see what I mean, totally impractical). I don't know if this is some wierd sixth sense, preparing everything so early, but I can't stop myself. My next doctor's appointment is Feb. 18 and so help my bank account, I will have everything I need by then.

I'd better get off this computer, Mr M is on a ski trip for the weekend and Ms O is with granny for the night. I should be eating cheesy garlic fries and watching girly movies right now.

Edited to add pictures:

18 weeks today! This is really starting to move along for me now. The first 12 weeks went so slowly I was afraid the rest of this pregnancy would be the same. It helps that we are so busy at work right now that I'm putting in full days on the weekends as well as overtime during the week.

I am hoping going the extra mile now will grease my boss for when I suggest going down to four days a week after our Feb. 28 deadline. I don't think he will mind, everyone here has been really great. 

I felt the babies kick (from the outside) again last night. I was waiting in my van in the rec centre parking lot, killing time (napping) until Ms. O finished swimming when I felt those pokes again. I put my hand on my belly and sure enough one of the babies kicked hard enough to move my hand. I'm such a glutton for baby kicks now. I can't get enough! Unfortunately they seem to be few and far between. I'm hope in a month I'll be on the other side of the fence wondering when they are going to let me get some rest!

I'm having trouble telling them apart by their movements right now, Baby A (on the top bunk) seems a lot higher than last week and Baby B (bottom bunk) still seems really low still but most of the kicks and nudges I feel are right in the middle. I can tell who is who when they are rolling around but they seem to be pretty shy about letting me know who the kick culprit is. I guess the ultrasound on Friday will put their positions back into perspective for me.

Well, back to work for me...at least the extra money will come in handy when we start buying baby stuff (at this rate it won't be until the babies are born).

While I have felt plenty of kicks and rolls so far, I haven't been able to feel anything from the outside...until last night. I was sitting up in bed, doing a crossword puzzle, when I felt an unmistakable kick. As usual my hand flew right to the spot, not expecting to feel anything but checking anyway. I left it there for about 30 seconds when it happened, twice, about 15 seconds apart. Just little nudges against my palm, but enough for me to feel like this is finally happening. Wouldn't you know it, Mr. M was out of town for work last night? I thought about calling him but it was 10:30 and I knew he had probably fallen asleep right after I talked to him at 9:00. I called him as soon as I got in to the office this morning.

One week until my ultrasound, this is exactly what I needed for the final push.

Bullet Points are all I've got right now.
-I can't stop thinking about the earthquake in Haiti and how utterly impotent I feel. I guess giving money (what little I can) is all I can contribute for now.
-The rest of the stuff I was going to put in bullet points are all too superficial to list under the first one. New post required.

It seems there are two little people treating my insides like a bouncy castle these days. I still can't feel anything from the outside but it's a party on the inside...

I slipped and fell in the driveway this morning. Now I'm feeling every twinge and thinking each time that I hurt the babies when I fell. I know, they are floating around in sacs of fluid, it takes more than a simple fall to hurt them. I've resisted googling "falling while pregnant" so far. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.

I feel bad for Mr. M; he's been out in the driveway every morning shoveling and salting, trying to avoid this exact situation. Now a chinook has moved in, everything is melting so there are little slicks of ice in the morning that look like they are wet, not frozen. He feels so guilty but it's not like he hasn't been diligent. I tried to make it seem like it wasn't as bad but my skinned knee and arm kind of give it away. I feel bad because I've been bugging him about how he's been treating me like a baby since the IVF worked and it turns out he's probably saved me from my klutzy self more than once. Everything is fine. This is just a "have gone more than three weeks without an ultrasound" paranoia. Everything is fine.

***UPDATE*** Could not resist google, results were surprisingly comforting (for once). Called my doctor anyway, he said wait and see if anything changes (cramping spotting, etc.) and try not to worry.

16 weeks today. The terror has subsided and I feel like a normal pregnant person. Everyone at work knows. I avoided the big, awkward announcement because my boss asked if he could tell a few pertinent people for planning purposes when I was at 12 weeks. He told, news spread quickly, problem solved.

I'm not planning on going back to work after my year of maternity leave is up. Mr. M and I have talked about it and we should be fine on his income. Luckily we live in a city where, if I do decide to go back in a couple of years, it shouldn't be too hard to find a job. Especially in my discipline, with my experience. My boss has already asked me for first right of refusal if I do decide to start working again. I think twins and an eight year old will be work enough for me!

Speaking of the eight year old, Ms. O has been acting a little strange lately. She's regressed a bit. Where she has always been very independent she now asks for help. She's outright refused to clean her room for two months straight, just sitting in her room whining each time I asked her to clean up. She has been sassy and argumentative. I was complaining to my friend about it (along the "I don't have the patience for this right now" vein) and she suggested it might have something to do with the impending arrival of the twins. At first I was all "no way, she's so excited!" but then I thought of my own conflicted emotions about all of this.

Although I am so excited, beyond anything I could ever have imagined, I still wonder if we really did the right thing. Mr. M and I could have been home free in ten years with Ms. O out of the house. Cabin in the woods, Airstream Trailer, travelling North and South America on our own; all on hold for another 18 years. Now if I think of those things, after the pain and money and stress to achieve this pregnancy, how could I have expected Ms. O to only be of one mind? Sure she's excited but I have to allow her the opportunity to be conflicted as well.

This realization has increased my patience tenfold and it's already making a difference. I cleaned out her room and told her if she could keep it clean for one month, we would redecorate her room (she wants a "dragonfly" room, whatever that means). It's been one week and so far, so good.

In baby news, I had another ultrasound at 13w, everything looks great. The babies are stacked (like they are in bunk beds). That will probably change as they get bigger but it was cute. Baby A was kicking Baby B in the head. It's funny because on each ultrasound Baby A has been so active and Baby B has been the mellow one. I hope it's somewhat indicative of their personalities, I don't think I could handle two more showboats. They both measure the same, with the same heartbeats.

My next ultrasound is January 29. We are hoping to find out genders at that one. I am getting really impatient. I've been knitting for both boy and girl. I'm planning on a few each of boy themed and girl themed quilts. If I can't use them, I can always give them away as gifts. We definitely know enough people having babies these days!

Mr. M and I are not in agreement as to which room to use as the baby room so nothing has been accomplished on that front. He wants to use the room attached to our bedroom, which is technically a nursery but currently my sewing room. I think it's silly to start them there as we would have to move them in a year to the guest room anyway due to space constraints. Mr. M is planning on finishing the basement before they arrive so I don't see why we need to keep a guest room upstairs when we will have one downstairs. I'm just waiting for this one to work itself out. They'll be in our room for the first few months anyway, no point in worrying about it now.

I finally purchased baby items. It was one hurdle I couldn't get over so I finally went to Se.ars and bought some onesie undershirts and some receiving blankets. I've made a list of necessities I would like to have by March 1. Anything else we'll just buy after they arrive (and all of the gifts have come in!).

That's all for now. No news is good news these days.