I don't feel pregnant. I do look pregnant, because of the OHSS, but it's hardly the same. I wish I had morning sickness instead of being epically constipated as my only pregnancy symptom. I still have two weeks and three days until my ultrasound. I guess I'll just keep peeing on sticks to remind me I'm pregnant until then.

Maybe I should calculate approximately how many negative peesticks I've seen and then try to rival that number with positive peesticks. That sounds like a fun pregnancy game.

So, I spent the past week in my living room, on my recliner, popping T3s. I did in fact get the predicted case of OHSS. What they don't tell you is your lungs can also fill up with fluid. I couldn't breathe, I was throwing up because of the pain and my stupid computer wasn't working so I couldn't obsessively google symptoms of OHSS and how many people have died in the last year from OHSS and what their symptoms were before they died of OHSS.

Yesterday my doctor decided he wanted to do a beta to see how worried he needed to be. Believe it or not, I didn't even test this morning before going in for the result.

We went to the clinic for a 10:30am appointment and the nurse told me the result before we even got to the room. Positive! Beta was 232. Today I am 13dp3dt.

Ultrasound is November 9. Due date is June 26th! I am fucking pregnant!

Well, two embryos were transferred on Monday and now I wait. I don't know what that doctor was talking about, they were beautiful! I will have to post a picture later. I got home from the transfer and my camera was suddenly giving me a memory card error. Weird. Anyway, I'm going to go pick up a new memory card today.

I can't shake this blah feeling since I started this round. It's a little better since we made it to transfer but I still can't convince myself it will work. I'm hoping it's more about self-preservation than prediction.

Test date is October 20 but since the lab req form says urine test only, I will be peeing on a stick that morning. Or the morning before. I don't see the point in even going to the lab if they aren't going to take blood. I want numbers people!

Edited to add pictures: 3 Day Embryos

Fertilization Report: 4 four cell, 1 five cell and 2 two cell embryos still kicking. The eighth fertilized abnormally (either two sperm infiltrated or the egg was not mature).

Here is why I am not excited. My doctor told me after retrieval that we would definitely go ahead with transfer on Monday. Obviously the concern for OHSS was pretty much blown out of the water when my 29 follicles turned into eight. Now, pardon me for taking his words as gospel, but that is the closest thing to a guarantee anyone at that clinic has been willing to utter. In fact, they make it a point to not give you any hope at any juncture. So for my doctor to tell me we will definitely move ahead with transfer; I clung to that statement when I couldn't sleep Friday night, wondering how my babies were doing. I repeated that statement over and over in my head Saturday night, lying awake feeling like I was going to vomit, imagining my embryos arresting one by one.

I got the call from the embryologist yesterday morning, giving me the details of my transfer. I hung up the phone and went to work to clear up and assign any work for the next week so I could prescribe myself bedrest after transfer. That was when I got the call. "We would like you to come in tomorrow morning for an assessment before going ahead with the transfer."

I told the nurse I have no symptoms. I told her my doctor said we would go ahead with transfer. All to no avail. The other doctor would like me to be assessed. This is the same doctor that decided I should "coast" thus reducing my yield from a potential 29 eggs down to eight.

If this doctor decides to cancel my transfer and proceed with an FET in a couple of months, I will need her guarantee that all my embryos will make it through freeze and thaw and I will get pregnant. I don't think that is too much to ask considering she has the rest of my life in her hands.

Update: The transfer is proceeding. This is a good news/bad news thing because the embryos are fragmenting and are "moderate" in quality. Basically the doctor doesn't think it's going to work so OHSS isn't too much of a concern. I'll show her.

How do people do this? I have been up all night wondering, worrying, tossing and turning. Why can't they hook up microscopes in the incubators to web cams so you can watch your eggs all night, googling pictures and videos of fertilization to compare to what you are watching on your Emb T.V.?

No call from the clinic yet, but it is only 8:00am so that's not really a surprise.

Well fuck me. All this worrying about OHSS and not transferring. Driving myself crazy, on the verge of tears for two days. I had my retrieval today and out of the 29 follicles they saw two measly days ago we got eight eggs. Eight fucking eggs. The 40-ish year old woman that came out of retrieval after me had NINE!

The good news is that they all "look" mature and Mr. M really performed today. The embryologist called to tell us motility and morphology were excellent. We were borderline to the point where they like to confirm whether we would like to proceed with ICSI or conventional. That's a really hard decision. It's like those game shows where you had to choose between door #1 or door #2. Except we will never know what was behind the other door. I decided to go conventional. I figure that the one sperm they choose to inject into my egg could be the wrong one. I like to think there might be some Darwinism involved here. The one that cracks that shell will be the strongest, the one that will make it past day three.

Obviously the other good news is that the concern for OHSS is very low so if there is anything left on Monday, we will transfer.

Now to make it through this weekend without losing my mind. Maybe I will take that Valium they gave me...

I triggered at midnight last night.

I'm a mess right now. It has been mentioned by two separate people at the clinic now that I might not transfer. Sure, they'll retreive and fertilize but they are concerned about OHSS. The course of action if the concern is too great is to freeze, take a couple of months off and then do an FET. All day yesterday, and all day today, I have not thought about anything else. I can't wait a couple of months. This has to happen now. I will tell everyone I am pregnant at Christmas and I will have a June/July baby. My friend J and I will spend our summer on maternity leave together.

Retreival is tomorrow, I guess I'll know (hopefully) by Sunday whether this is happening on Monday or not.

I need to know now. I am a planner. I need to know the criteria on which this decision will be made. I need to know if I will have any input in this decision. I need to know if I will spend the next few weeks (or months) walking around in a depressed, incoherent state or if I will be fantasizing about seeing two lines on a peestick in 10 days.

My left ovary hurts.