Ms. O leaves for the other side of the country to spend one month with her father. I'm trying to look at the bright side. July will be a very busy month for me at work as well as at home, so better not to feel guilty about not spending time with her. Mr. M and I are thinking of all the ways we can keep busy while she's gone. We're thinking golfing, dinners out, drinks after work. I know we'll have fun but I'd trade it all just to not have to give her up for the month.

Surgery is booked. August 10. That's a little later than I had expected but the nurse at the clinic explained it was because of summer holidays. Unfortunate, but it also gives me a chance to enjoy my summer knowing I won't get the call offering treatment this cycle.

It does give me more time to think about that right tube, healing itself, wondering if I've been getting pregnant all along and lefty has been spewing her toxic fluid all over righty's successes. More than once I have been absolutely positive I was pregnant, only to have AF arrive on CD40. I even lactated one month. That's messed up. Now this clarity is making me wonder if I am ok with having righty taken out. But I can't take the risk of an ectopic either. Or IVF not working and wonder if it was because I should have had righty removed. Or have righty taken out and wonder if I would have conceived traditionally if I had just had lefty taken out. This sounds crazy, but I kind of wish righty hadn't looked so good on that ultrasound. If she had just stayed swollen and blocked, I wouldn't even have to think about it.

In the end, my original decision is the best decision for me now. I don't have time to waste anymore. I am going to ask my doctor to check righty first before ripping her out but in the end, both tubes will be removed and on the bright side I will never have to take birth control again. Snort.

Ugh. Mr. M has been gone all week. I miss him.

Now that our first round of IVF is not far away (well, we're on the wait list, but close enough for me ) I find I'm having trouble not telling people. I don't mean friends and family - they are all aware of the situation and as excited as we are. I mean co-workers, strangers, the few neighbours I don't talk to on a regular basis. I could be setting myself up for unconquerable disappointment and when it really comes down to it, I don't think I will tell anyone aside from my best friend when it's actually happening.

Why not my mom? A long story for another day, a short story for today. My mom will have everyone in my family on constant updates. I'm pretty certain her Facebo.ok status would reflect every drug, procedure and milestone I reached throughout the process and who needs that kind of pressure?

Anyway, I've never been one to shy away from disappointment. I've given up on what I wanted, too afraid to be let down, and lived with the regret of never giving it a try. I'll take blind hope followed by defeat over that any day. This is going to work. It's going to work on the first try. And if it doesn't work on the first try, well I guess it will have to be the second time. If not the second, the third.

I know I'm going to have Mr. M's baby and I know I will tell every person - family, friend or stranger - exactly how I got it. And for anyone that wants to know more, I will tell them how much it hurt these past two years. How, every month, the amount of days you were knocked down after another negative pregnancy test were more and more as time went on until there was no distinction between cycles and all of them were down days. If they want to know even more, I can tell them how hard it is to will yourself to pull yourself up when you know there is an instant cure out there eluding you month after month. How maybe you had to learn these devastating lessons in patience, malleability and perseverence before your perceived success because eventually they were going to be what saves you from self destruction.

When I do get my baby, there will be someone that hears my story and maybe I'll be the one that picks them up that day. And if - this hurts to write - I don't get my baby I know I will be capable of picking myself up off the ground.