We went for our first ultrasound yesterday morning. I have managed to keep the panic to a minimum but I think I had crammed it all in to a little container over the last three weeks. Well, the lid came off yesterday morning. I was sick, shaking and sweating the whole way to the clinic. We were half an hour early but luckily that just got us in earlier. I only had to wait about five minutes before I was called in to the room. Mr. M sat in the chair, I laid down on the table. The ultrasound technologist said she would check my abdomen first and then do an internal. Almost as soon as she put the wand on my stomach she said "I see two little people in there". I asked, nervously laughing, "Do you see two little heartbeats in there?". "Oh, yes" she replied. There were two little people with two perfect heartbeats, 138 and 140.

The colour returned to my face as quickly as it drained from Mr. M's.

We were in the waiting room waiting for our pictures when he started planning. Which room the babies would go in, how quickly he could get our undeveloped basement finished, how much money he would need in the bank account by May, when I plan to stop working. In the van on the way to work, while I made calls to my mom, dad and friends to tell them the news, Mr. M was making calls to get the basement framed.

I spent my day blissfully searching the Internet for bedding sets, double strollers and cradles while he set up appointments at the bank.

I guess after three years of stress, anxiety and depression on my part while in the trenches of infertility and Mr. M stayed innocently unaware of the time, energy and pain I was going through; my payoff is the next 21 years of stress and anxiety Mr. M will be going through while I stay innocently unaware and wrapped up in my two beautiful babies.

I feel happy. I haven't been able to say that for a really long time.

Still pregnant, I guess. Ultrasound is one week from today. This wait is awful. Absolutely the worst wait I have ever experienced. I feel maybe, kinda pregnant. I haven't peed on a stick for a week, but only because I ran out. Let's pick apart the symptoms I have experienced thus far. Today I am 6w2d. Symptoms are;

• Nausea - no vomiting, but smells make me feel sick. Cigarette smoke is, surprisingly, one of the things that sets off my nausea. I'm surprised because I only quit smoking again (after falling off the wagon when I was told I had no chance of conceiving naturally) right before I started this cycle. I am a born smoker, love the taste, the smell, that burning feeling in my lungs. If only they could get this feeling in to a patch and no one would have trouble quitting. I not only hate smoking right now, I can't imagine ever smoking again. Hope it lasts!
• Super Smell - this one totally creeps out Mr. M. I can smell when Ms O puts lotion on in her bedroom from the living room, downstairs. The first time it happened, I thought she had dumped a whole bottle of scented oil on the carpet, the smell was so strong.
• SI Joint Pain - This one is excruciating, debilitating, totally paralyzing. If I sit too long, which I am apt to do at work, I can barely stand up. If I'm too active, I can barely walk. I have found this comfortable medium where I go for a slow, short walk every hour or so. I guess I should ditch the heels too, they really aren't helping.
• Back Cramp - This only happened once and I don't know if it is technically a pregnancy symptom, but holy shit that hurt. I had vacuumed earlier on in the day, so I guess vacuuming is out. Shame.
• Epically Constipated - Not unusual for me, but I'm pretty sure I actually sprained my colon one day. I'm not even joking. It felt like someone stuck a red hot rod in my colon. Was that too much? Did I go too far there?

So, one thing I do find funny is I am less emotional. I think now that my system has cleared out the medically induced hormonal imbalance, I feel relatively normal. Relative to how I felt during treatment. I'm pretty sure, before all treatment started, I would have considered my current state of mind as being on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Funny how your perceptions change.

I probably won't bother updating until after the ultrasound next Monday. My heart just isn't in it.