Bye Bye Tubies

Well, as I expected, before proceeding with IVF I have to have both fallopian tubes removed. The finality of having my tubes removed is a little hard to come to terms with. This annihilates any chance of getting pregnant naturally. Not that there was much chance of it before but at least there was some chance. Since last November when I was diagnosed with bilateral hydrosalpinx I've know this was the only way to move forward with IVF. I'm not going to throw all of that money and effort down the drain to end up with an ectopic pregnancy that could have been viable if I had just had my tubes taken out.

Mr. M is having trouble accepting this is the only way. I think over the last six months his optimism has increased as steadily as mine has decreased. I don't think I was being pessimistic so much as realistic. I knew my tubes had given up the ghost and had come to terms that IVF was the only solution. The surgery, the Clom.id - all just going through the motions to get me where I am today. I'm finally making progress and couldn't be more happy about it.

What was a little hard to accept is that my right tube seems to be making some kind of recovery. It's no longer enlarged and filled with fluid. I didn't expect that. Regardless, I think the damage sustained while it was hydrosalpinging (?) doesn't leave it in much shape to lead those fertilized eggs to my ready and waiting uterus. Speaking of my uterus, aside from being tilted, it's apparently paradise for embryos. I've been told by three doctors that I have beautiful lining. Good news for my future petri dish conceived babies...

Our IVF info session is tonight, with our appointments tomorrow. Mr. M has to get another SA (I’m beginning to wonder about him, he says it’s fun; he tries to impress the nurses with how quickly he can get it done…) and I have my ultrasound followed by our meeting with the doctor and nurse. I’m not too worried about that, I’ve had so many people in my business over the last year; they aren’t going to tell us anything we don’t already know.

What I am worried about is the information session tonight. What if we run into someone we know? Mr. M works in our predominant industry as technical sales. It’s a running joke between us that we can’t get anything done without running into at least two people he knows. So what is appropriate small talk if you run into someone at an IVF info session? “Is it you or her?” “PCOS or Endometriosis?” I mean, really, it’s not like you can ignore the fact that a) you know each other, or b) you are at an information session for infertility. Awkward…

Anyway, I’m getting excited for the whole process to begin. I expect to make my first call in mid-June to see if I can get in that month. It’s unlikely, but I did get in the clinic in half the time I expected to. I can think of a hundred reasons why they won’t have very many people doing IVF right now; the economy, summer vacations, etc. I feel pretty confident I won’t have to wait long. Even if I do, I plan on taking the extra time I’ve been given to knit up some baby stuff and make a few baby quilts. I know there is always the possibility that I may never have another baby but then I’ll just have a nice stock of hand made baby gifts at the ready.

I have to learn to be more patient...

The older I get, the more I seem to crave a simpler, more traditional way of life. My desire to be a stay at home mom increases each day, to the point where no matter how much I love my job it’s a monumental effort not to march in to my boss’ office and resign. I had a talk with my boss this week and he as good as told me once we develop this new department at our company, I’m the favorite to run it. This would mean a huge pay raise, an employee position (I’m on contract right now) and all of the benefits that come with that. All this after I told him of my upcoming IVF and the amount of work I will miss for it. And swore I wouldn’t work a minute of overtime for at least six months if we achieved the desired result. And still he tells me I’m the girl for the job.

But I don’t want the job. I don’t want any job. I want to knit booties for my future baby, keep my house clean, and walk Ms. O to school everyday.

I’d like to have the time to make her lunches creative and fun instead of packing her a hot dog bun with frozen shredded roast beef and mustard because I didn’t have time to go to the grocery store yesterday.

I’d like my laundry to be done, all the time and put away instead of languishing on my bedroom floor for a week before I have the time to iron and put everything away.

It feels like every day I make an impossible choice. Last night I planted the vegetable garden and in turn had to sacrifice cleaning up after dinner. It was either that or sacrifice reading to Ms. O before bed. I know I made the right choice, it’s just that the kitchen was still waiting for me this morning at which point I had to sacrifice switching the laundry and doing Ms. O’s hair (she’s growing out her bangs… it’s the cross I have to bear). She brushed and I told her to wear a headband today. I wake her up every morning with a “Good Morning Sunshine, let’s get ready quick like bunnies. We’re running late.” I want to wake her up with “Good Morning Sunshine, take your time getting ready. Would you like pancakes and eggs for breakfast?”

I have to stay strong though, I will be pregnant and I will get my one year leave paid for. I’ve been paying into employment insurance for ten years now, those suckers owe me! Not to mention I can’t leave Mr. M with the full brunt of paying for IVF with half our income gone.

For now, I guess I should just start waking up earlier…