I think I've found the acorn of my anger, the one that has become the mighty oak, if you will. I am angry that I will never be surprised when I get pregnant. I hate that Mr. M will never be surprised. I'll never get to run, screaming, into bed waving a positive pee stick in his face. I'll never have a carefree pregnancy, blissfully unaware of all that can go wrong, instead worrying that I tricked some power above, below or around us into giving me a baby and once they find out, they'll take it away. I hate that I have to put on a happy face every time someone announces a pregnancy and try not to look like someone just punched me in the gut. I hate that even when I do get pregnant I will never identify with other pregnant women. Even now all I think is "You have no idea how badly this could end". I feel robbed of a basic human right.

I used to be angry because I felt I didn't deserve this (not that anyone does) or that I should have to go through this. With my first baby, I was 20 years old and had just had my whole life taken out at the knees. This was not a happy, carefree pregnancy. It was 8 months working three jobs just trying to build up a nest egg and some contacts for when I went back to work, knowing it would not be the full year we're given because I was a contractor and was not paying employment insurance. I wanted something easy, just once. I have had to work so hard for everything, I have been sh-t on my entire life and still managed to maintain a Pollyanna attitude. I just wanted this one thing to be easy.

This time it was planned. Discussed long before any pills were thrown out and we were so excited. Then impatient. Then annoyed. Then angry. I think I have compartmentalized my anger now and just have to go back and visit it every once in a while to make sure it doesn't escape out of the box I've put it in. Seems to be working.

P.S. I think I need to make and carry around a list of things that have come easily, to remind me that not everything was as hard as it seems. Well, I can name one right now. Ms. O has got to be the most delightful child on this planet. She is easy. Loving her and parenting her is easy. I'll take it.