Still pregnant, I guess. Ultrasound is one week from today. This wait is awful. Absolutely the worst wait I have ever experienced. I feel maybe, kinda pregnant. I haven't peed on a stick for a week, but only because I ran out. Let's pick apart the symptoms I have experienced thus far. Today I am 6w2d. Symptoms are;

• Nausea - no vomiting, but smells make me feel sick. Cigarette smoke is, surprisingly, one of the things that sets off my nausea. I'm surprised because I only quit smoking again (after falling off the wagon when I was told I had no chance of conceiving naturally) right before I started this cycle. I am a born smoker, love the taste, the smell, that burning feeling in my lungs. If only they could get this feeling in to a patch and no one would have trouble quitting. I not only hate smoking right now, I can't imagine ever smoking again. Hope it lasts!
• Super Smell - this one totally creeps out Mr. M. I can smell when Ms O puts lotion on in her bedroom from the living room, downstairs. The first time it happened, I thought she had dumped a whole bottle of scented oil on the carpet, the smell was so strong.
• SI Joint Pain - This one is excruciating, debilitating, totally paralyzing. If I sit too long, which I am apt to do at work, I can barely stand up. If I'm too active, I can barely walk. I have found this comfortable medium where I go for a slow, short walk every hour or so. I guess I should ditch the heels too, they really aren't helping.
• Back Cramp - This only happened once and I don't know if it is technically a pregnancy symptom, but holy shit that hurt. I had vacuumed earlier on in the day, so I guess vacuuming is out. Shame.
• Epically Constipated - Not unusual for me, but I'm pretty sure I actually sprained my colon one day. I'm not even joking. It felt like someone stuck a red hot rod in my colon. Was that too much? Did I go too far there?

So, one thing I do find funny is I am less emotional. I think now that my system has cleared out the medically induced hormonal imbalance, I feel relatively normal. Relative to how I felt during treatment. I'm pretty sure, before all treatment started, I would have considered my current state of mind as being on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Funny how your perceptions change.

I probably won't bother updating until after the ultrasound next Monday. My heart just isn't in it.

So, I spent the past week in my living room, on my recliner, popping T3s. I did in fact get the predicted case of OHSS. What they don't tell you is your lungs can also fill up with fluid. I couldn't breathe, I was throwing up because of the pain and my stupid computer wasn't working so I couldn't obsessively google symptoms of OHSS and how many people have died in the last year from OHSS and what their symptoms were before they died of OHSS.

Yesterday my doctor decided he wanted to do a beta to see how worried he needed to be. Believe it or not, I didn't even test this morning before going in for the result.

We went to the clinic for a 10:30am appointment and the nurse told me the result before we even got to the room. Positive! Beta was 232. Today I am 13dp3dt.

Ultrasound is November 9. Due date is June 26th! I am fucking pregnant!

Well, two embryos were transferred on Monday and now I wait. I don't know what that doctor was talking about, they were beautiful! I will have to post a picture later. I got home from the transfer and my camera was suddenly giving me a memory card error. Weird. Anyway, I'm going to go pick up a new memory card today.

I can't shake this blah feeling since I started this round. It's a little better since we made it to transfer but I still can't convince myself it will work. I'm hoping it's more about self-preservation than prediction.

Test date is October 20 but since the lab req form says urine test only, I will be peeing on a stick that morning. Or the morning before. I don't see the point in even going to the lab if they aren't going to take blood. I want numbers people!

Edited to add pictures: 3 Day Embryos

Fertilization Report: 4 four cell, 1 five cell and 2 two cell embryos still kicking. The eighth fertilized abnormally (either two sperm infiltrated or the egg was not mature).

Here is why I am not excited. My doctor told me after retrieval that we would definitely go ahead with transfer on Monday. Obviously the concern for OHSS was pretty much blown out of the water when my 29 follicles turned into eight. Now, pardon me for taking his words as gospel, but that is the closest thing to a guarantee anyone at that clinic has been willing to utter. In fact, they make it a point to not give you any hope at any juncture. So for my doctor to tell me we will definitely move ahead with transfer; I clung to that statement when I couldn't sleep Friday night, wondering how my babies were doing. I repeated that statement over and over in my head Saturday night, lying awake feeling like I was going to vomit, imagining my embryos arresting one by one.

I got the call from the embryologist yesterday morning, giving me the details of my transfer. I hung up the phone and went to work to clear up and assign any work for the next week so I could prescribe myself bedrest after transfer. That was when I got the call. "We would like you to come in tomorrow morning for an assessment before going ahead with the transfer."

I told the nurse I have no symptoms. I told her my doctor said we would go ahead with transfer. All to no avail. The other doctor would like me to be assessed. This is the same doctor that decided I should "coast" thus reducing my yield from a potential 29 eggs down to eight.

If this doctor decides to cancel my transfer and proceed with an FET in a couple of months, I will need her guarantee that all my embryos will make it through freeze and thaw and I will get pregnant. I don't think that is too much to ask considering she has the rest of my life in her hands.

Update: The transfer is proceeding. This is a good news/bad news thing because the embryos are fragmenting and are "moderate" in quality. Basically the doctor doesn't think it's going to work so OHSS isn't too much of a concern. I'll show her.

How do people do this? I have been up all night wondering, worrying, tossing and turning. Why can't they hook up microscopes in the incubators to web cams so you can watch your eggs all night, googling pictures and videos of fertilization to compare to what you are watching on your Emb T.V.?

No call from the clinic yet, but it is only 8:00am so that's not really a surprise.

Well fuck me. All this worrying about OHSS and not transferring. Driving myself crazy, on the verge of tears for two days. I had my retrieval today and out of the 29 follicles they saw two measly days ago we got eight eggs. Eight fucking eggs. The 40-ish year old woman that came out of retrieval after me had NINE!

The good news is that they all "look" mature and Mr. M really performed today. The embryologist called to tell us motility and morphology were excellent. We were borderline to the point where they like to confirm whether we would like to proceed with ICSI or conventional. That's a really hard decision. It's like those game shows where you had to choose between door #1 or door #2. Except we will never know what was behind the other door. I decided to go conventional. I figure that the one sperm they choose to inject into my egg could be the wrong one. I like to think there might be some Darwinism involved here. The one that cracks that shell will be the strongest, the one that will make it past day three.

Obviously the other good news is that the concern for OHSS is very low so if there is anything left on Monday, we will transfer.

Now to make it through this weekend without losing my mind. Maybe I will take that Valium they gave me...

I triggered at midnight last night.

I'm a mess right now. It has been mentioned by two separate people at the clinic now that I might not transfer. Sure, they'll retreive and fertilize but they are concerned about OHSS. The course of action if the concern is too great is to freeze, take a couple of months off and then do an FET. All day yesterday, and all day today, I have not thought about anything else. I can't wait a couple of months. This has to happen now. I will tell everyone I am pregnant at Christmas and I will have a June/July baby. My friend J and I will spend our summer on maternity leave together.

Retreival is tomorrow, I guess I'll know (hopefully) by Sunday whether this is happening on Monday or not.

I need to know now. I am a planner. I need to know the criteria on which this decision will be made. I need to know if I will have any input in this decision. I need to know if I will spend the next few weeks (or months) walking around in a depressed, incoherent state or if I will be fantasizing about seeing two lines on a peestick in 10 days.

My left ovary hurts.

29 follicles, measuring 1.7cm & 1.8cm. I'm coasting for now (no more Gonal-F, just Suprefact) and trying to bring my estrogen levels down so I can trigger. I have the HCG in my med bag, just waiting for the go ahead from the clinic.

21 FOLLICLES! Measuring 1.1, 1.2 & 1.3. Back to the clinic on Monday for another ultrasound.

I hate needles. I'm not afraid of bugs (except moths...yuck) or the dark and I wouldn't even classify needles as a fear of mine. They just really creep me out. Shaky, clammy palms kind of creepy. But I did it.

I asked Mr. M to stand there while I administered my first injection. I would get the needle thisclose to my tummy and then panic. It took about ten minutes and one threat to snatch the needle from my hands and stab me himself before I finally took the plunge and stabbed myself. Guess what? It didn't even hurt. Not even a twinge of pain. I have never been so relieved.

Today I had to inject myself during work hours. Luckily it turned out to be a day I had to drive in so at 1:00 I casually sauntered out of the office, went to the parkade and prepared the needle in the front seat of my van. I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was about to witness what I'm sure would appear to be some closet junkie getting through the day. Then stabbed myself again.

I'm not sure why,but I feel proud of myself for this minor accomplishment. Not only have I reached the point where I can get through the multitude of blood draws I now have to endure without flinching, I am also capable of inserting a metal instrument into my fatty layer and push the plunger without throwing up. I'm already looking forward to tomorrow's injection. Go figure.

It's here!

This morning my friend J and I met for cheap pedicures on our Friday off. I was feeling pretty down, thinking "typical, IVF can't possibly go well for me, nothing is ever that easy for me" - pretty self-indulgent...the thoughts and the pedicure, actually - so when J asked how things were going with this cycle I gave her the quick explanation and dropped it. I can't allow myself to cry in public and I've been on the verge since my appointment on Wednesday.

While we were sitting in the massage chairs, having our feet done, my stomach started to feel a little funny.

This same thing happened yesterday morning and it turned out I had to poop, so I didn't think much of it. I had been poking my boobs all morning and there was zero tenderness. There is always excruciating tenderness before every period.

I came home to my dog Roadie coughing up foamy fluid. I immediately called the vet, got an appointment for 15 minutes later and was just about to leave the house when I figured I had better go to the washroom before I left. And there she was, welcomed with a glee she has never known before. I called the clinic, left a message and ran out the door.

Roadie seems to be fine but is on antibiotics for a minor lung infection as a precaution. (I love feeding that dog pills, it's comical. He can pick anything out anything that has been stuffed into a hot dog and spit it out without losing a morsel of meat. Amazing.)

Now I am waiting for the call from the clinic. Always waiting.

Edited to add: Clinic called, appointment is at 7:45am tomorrow. And now my other dog, Booker, has the same cough minus the foamy fluid. Crap.

Today was supposed to be the day I started injections for my upcoming IVF and lo and behold my body is teaching me another lesson in patience. I have been on Suprefact for two weeks and still have not gotten my period. I don't even have a hint that I will be getting it anytime soon. So now it looks like it will be at least another week of Suprefact and another week later that I find out I'm pregnant. I'll be back at the clinic next week for another blood test and ultrasound if my period hasn't graced me with her presence to see what we need to do next.

The irony has not escaped me that for three years I have hoped with all my power that my period wouldn't come and now I'm hoping even harder it will. I guess I just need to relax (that is the solution for everything for an infertile isn't it?).

Question

Mr. M's impeccable timing is at it again. He's had an extreme flare-up of ulcerative colitis and needs to go on Prednisone (a steroid) to calm it all down. Does anyone know if this will affect his "contribution" for our first round of IVF in three weeks? Has anyone gone through IVF while their partner has been on a steroid for Crohn's or colitis? Thanks for any input.

I'm in! I start the Suprefact Sept. 2, stims Sept. 16 and retrieval around Sept. 27. I can't get over how fast everything is going to happen. After almost three years suddenly I'm one month away from being pregnant until proven otherwise and 6 weeks away from peeing on a stick. And, yes, of course I'm going to pee on a stick before the beta! After approximately 100 negative pee sticks, not even a single faint line, I am not going to let infertility take that away from me.

Now I have a whole new list of fears. What if I forget to take a dose of Suprefact? What if I screw up an injection? What if I screw up the trigger? What if I don't respond? What if I respond too well? Mr. M is, for once, the optimist. He seems to think we're pretty much pregnant already. Unfortunately I can't burst his bubble with all of the potential for disaster before the eggs are even retrieved. He doesn't even seem to realize there is a possibility the eggs won't fertilize. What if they don't? What do we know, we've never had any proof that we can make a baby together since I'm quite certain whatever it was that blocked up those tubes happened immediately after giving birth to Ms. O. My doctor thought it was constipation causing me the excrutiating pain when she was about three weeks old but me and constipation are very old friends; I know what that feels like and that wasn't it.

On another note, we have decided not to tell anyone aside from a few people. Our respective supervisors are already aware this was imminent now we will be informing them it's go time. We've already told my closest friend and her husband. I would have told them anyway, but they live very close to us so if we need them to watch Ms. O with little notice they will need to know why. (There's something about bringing my 7 year old daughter to the infertility clinic that seems a little offside so we'll be leaving her with friends or family if appointments are outside of school hours)

One person I will not be informing is my mother. She has no concept of how hard this has been on me nor does she understand how hard it will be if this doesn't work. She'll tell everyone, not just family but random friends of hers, cashiers at the grocery store, co-workers at the job she just started this week and so on. I will then have to systematically un-tell everyone if this doesn't work.

On the optimistic side, if this does work, I want to make the big announcement. I want to wait three months and tell everyone at Christmas. I want to be pregnant like a fertile. Infertility has stolen so much from me, I'm not going to let my mom finish the job.

Ms. O is back, life is returning to it's normal state and I couldn't be happier. I've been working a lot of overtime the last month and camping every weekend, including last weekend when I had a near death experience. I'm still pretty shaken up and couldn't have been more grateful that Ms. O wasn't with us. The situation could have been much worse. Needless to say, I will not be canoeing on a river anytime soon. I think a 20' wide raft should do the trick next year. Everyone is ok aside from a really wicked bruise on my arm and some nicks and scratches.

I need to find more time to blog, I've just been so tired and considering we're in a holding pattern until my tubes come out in August, I really haven't been thinking about trying to conceive for the last two months. I did take a pregnancy test last cycle but only because I was at 35 days and nothing and wanted to make sure I could imbibe over the weekend.

That's all for now, surgery is August 10 and I might (fingers crossed) start IVF #1 in September. Finally.

Surgery is booked. August 10. That's a little later than I had expected but the nurse at the clinic explained it was because of summer holidays. Unfortunate, but it also gives me a chance to enjoy my summer knowing I won't get the call offering treatment this cycle.

It does give me more time to think about that right tube, healing itself, wondering if I've been getting pregnant all along and lefty has been spewing her toxic fluid all over righty's successes. More than once I have been absolutely positive I was pregnant, only to have AF arrive on CD40. I even lactated one month. That's messed up. Now this clarity is making me wonder if I am ok with having righty taken out. But I can't take the risk of an ectopic either. Or IVF not working and wonder if it was because I should have had righty removed. Or have righty taken out and wonder if I would have conceived traditionally if I had just had lefty taken out. This sounds crazy, but I kind of wish righty hadn't looked so good on that ultrasound. If she had just stayed swollen and blocked, I wouldn't even have to think about it.

In the end, my original decision is the best decision for me now. I don't have time to waste anymore. I am going to ask my doctor to check righty first before ripping her out but in the end, both tubes will be removed and on the bright side I will never have to take birth control again. Snort.

Now that our first round of IVF is not far away (well, we're on the wait list, but close enough for me ) I find I'm having trouble not telling people. I don't mean friends and family - they are all aware of the situation and as excited as we are. I mean co-workers, strangers, the few neighbours I don't talk to on a regular basis. I could be setting myself up for unconquerable disappointment and when it really comes down to it, I don't think I will tell anyone aside from my best friend when it's actually happening.

Why not my mom? A long story for another day, a short story for today. My mom will have everyone in my family on constant updates. I'm pretty certain her Facebo.ok status would reflect every drug, procedure and milestone I reached throughout the process and who needs that kind of pressure?

Anyway, I've never been one to shy away from disappointment. I've given up on what I wanted, too afraid to be let down, and lived with the regret of never giving it a try. I'll take blind hope followed by defeat over that any day. This is going to work. It's going to work on the first try. And if it doesn't work on the first try, well I guess it will have to be the second time. If not the second, the third.

I know I'm going to have Mr. M's baby and I know I will tell every person - family, friend or stranger - exactly how I got it. And for anyone that wants to know more, I will tell them how much it hurt these past two years. How, every month, the amount of days you were knocked down after another negative pregnancy test were more and more as time went on until there was no distinction between cycles and all of them were down days. If they want to know even more, I can tell them how hard it is to will yourself to pull yourself up when you know there is an instant cure out there eluding you month after month. How maybe you had to learn these devastating lessons in patience, malleability and perseverence before your perceived success because eventually they were going to be what saves you from self destruction.

When I do get my baby, there will be someone that hears my story and maybe I'll be the one that picks them up that day. And if - this hurts to write - I don't get my baby I know I will be capable of picking myself up off the ground.

Bye Bye Tubies

Well, as I expected, before proceeding with IVF I have to have both fallopian tubes removed. The finality of having my tubes removed is a little hard to come to terms with. This annihilates any chance of getting pregnant naturally. Not that there was much chance of it before but at least there was some chance. Since last November when I was diagnosed with bilateral hydrosalpinx I've know this was the only way to move forward with IVF. I'm not going to throw all of that money and effort down the drain to end up with an ectopic pregnancy that could have been viable if I had just had my tubes taken out.

Mr. M is having trouble accepting this is the only way. I think over the last six months his optimism has increased as steadily as mine has decreased. I don't think I was being pessimistic so much as realistic. I knew my tubes had given up the ghost and had come to terms that IVF was the only solution. The surgery, the Clom.id - all just going through the motions to get me where I am today. I'm finally making progress and couldn't be more happy about it.

What was a little hard to accept is that my right tube seems to be making some kind of recovery. It's no longer enlarged and filled with fluid. I didn't expect that. Regardless, I think the damage sustained while it was hydrosalpinging (?) doesn't leave it in much shape to lead those fertilized eggs to my ready and waiting uterus. Speaking of my uterus, aside from being tilted, it's apparently paradise for embryos. I've been told by three doctors that I have beautiful lining. Good news for my future petri dish conceived babies...

Our IVF info session is tonight, with our appointments tomorrow. Mr. M has to get another SA (I’m beginning to wonder about him, he says it’s fun; he tries to impress the nurses with how quickly he can get it done…) and I have my ultrasound followed by our meeting with the doctor and nurse. I’m not too worried about that, I’ve had so many people in my business over the last year; they aren’t going to tell us anything we don’t already know.

What I am worried about is the information session tonight. What if we run into someone we know? Mr. M works in our predominant industry as technical sales. It’s a running joke between us that we can’t get anything done without running into at least two people he knows. So what is appropriate small talk if you run into someone at an IVF info session? “Is it you or her?” “PCOS or Endometriosis?” I mean, really, it’s not like you can ignore the fact that a) you know each other, or b) you are at an information session for infertility. Awkward…

Anyway, I’m getting excited for the whole process to begin. I expect to make my first call in mid-June to see if I can get in that month. It’s unlikely, but I did get in the clinic in half the time I expected to. I can think of a hundred reasons why they won’t have very many people doing IVF right now; the economy, summer vacations, etc. I feel pretty confident I won’t have to wait long. Even if I do, I plan on taking the extra time I’ve been given to knit up some baby stuff and make a few baby quilts. I know there is always the possibility that I may never have another baby but then I’ll just have a nice stock of hand made baby gifts at the ready.

I have to learn to be more patient...

The older I get, the more I seem to crave a simpler, more traditional way of life. My desire to be a stay at home mom increases each day, to the point where no matter how much I love my job it’s a monumental effort not to march in to my boss’ office and resign. I had a talk with my boss this week and he as good as told me once we develop this new department at our company, I’m the favorite to run it. This would mean a huge pay raise, an employee position (I’m on contract right now) and all of the benefits that come with that. All this after I told him of my upcoming IVF and the amount of work I will miss for it. And swore I wouldn’t work a minute of overtime for at least six months if we achieved the desired result. And still he tells me I’m the girl for the job.

But I don’t want the job. I don’t want any job. I want to knit booties for my future baby, keep my house clean, and walk Ms. O to school everyday.

I’d like to have the time to make her lunches creative and fun instead of packing her a hot dog bun with frozen shredded roast beef and mustard because I didn’t have time to go to the grocery store yesterday.

I’d like my laundry to be done, all the time and put away instead of languishing on my bedroom floor for a week before I have the time to iron and put everything away.

It feels like every day I make an impossible choice. Last night I planted the vegetable garden and in turn had to sacrifice cleaning up after dinner. It was either that or sacrifice reading to Ms. O before bed. I know I made the right choice, it’s just that the kitchen was still waiting for me this morning at which point I had to sacrifice switching the laundry and doing Ms. O’s hair (she’s growing out her bangs… it’s the cross I have to bear). She brushed and I told her to wear a headband today. I wake her up every morning with a “Good Morning Sunshine, let’s get ready quick like bunnies. We’re running late.” I want to wake her up with “Good Morning Sunshine, take your time getting ready. Would you like pancakes and eggs for breakfast?”

I have to stay strong though, I will be pregnant and I will get my one year leave paid for. I’ve been paying into employment insurance for ten years now, those suckers owe me! Not to mention I can’t leave Mr. M with the full brunt of paying for IVF with half our income gone.

For now, I guess I should just start waking up earlier…