I Surrender

While the last two years TTC have been difficult, they in no way compare to how it has been for me the last three months. If you took all of the pain, disappointment, anger and failure from March 2007 to December 2008 and put it in one container and all of the above from January 2009 to today and put it in another, you would need a Tupper.ware sandwich size container for the former and a Rubber.maid tote for the latter.

Mr. M and I were lying in bed Sunday morning talking; taking advantage of a quiet house. I told him how angry I am at our situation. How bitter I feel when I see a pregnant woman. I started to cry. I asked him to take some of the burden from me. I feel like ever since we found out I was the infertile I have walked alone. I felt a lot better, just telling him what I’m going through. I’m pretty sure he didn’t know. I find it difficult, if not impossible to ask for help. I find it even more difficult to talk about “feelings”. As Jon from “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” put it, I don’t like the way feelings make me feel. Even writing this is hard, I reread it and it sounds stilted.

This is all so foreign, I have never felt like I can’t fix something myself. I am not afraid of hard work. I am not afraid of asking for what I want. I have never given up. I don’t know how to give up; I am incapable of giving up.

I have reached my limit. I can’t take anymore. I surrender to the unmistakable higher power out there. I am not in control. I get it. I accept it. Can I have my baby now?