I have to learn to be more patient...

The older I get, the more I seem to crave a simpler, more traditional way of life. My desire to be a stay at home mom increases each day, to the point where no matter how much I love my job it’s a monumental effort not to march in to my boss’ office and resign. I had a talk with my boss this week and he as good as told me once we develop this new department at our company, I’m the favorite to run it. This would mean a huge pay raise, an employee position (I’m on contract right now) and all of the benefits that come with that. All this after I told him of my upcoming IVF and the amount of work I will miss for it. And swore I wouldn’t work a minute of overtime for at least six months if we achieved the desired result. And still he tells me I’m the girl for the job.

But I don’t want the job. I don’t want any job. I want to knit booties for my future baby, keep my house clean, and walk Ms. O to school everyday.

I’d like to have the time to make her lunches creative and fun instead of packing her a hot dog bun with frozen shredded roast beef and mustard because I didn’t have time to go to the grocery store yesterday.

I’d like my laundry to be done, all the time and put away instead of languishing on my bedroom floor for a week before I have the time to iron and put everything away.

It feels like every day I make an impossible choice. Last night I planted the vegetable garden and in turn had to sacrifice cleaning up after dinner. It was either that or sacrifice reading to Ms. O before bed. I know I made the right choice, it’s just that the kitchen was still waiting for me this morning at which point I had to sacrifice switching the laundry and doing Ms. O’s hair (she’s growing out her bangs… it’s the cross I have to bear). She brushed and I told her to wear a headband today. I wake her up every morning with a “Good Morning Sunshine, let’s get ready quick like bunnies. We’re running late.” I want to wake her up with “Good Morning Sunshine, take your time getting ready. Would you like pancakes and eggs for breakfast?”

I have to stay strong though, I will be pregnant and I will get my one year leave paid for. I’ve been paying into employment insurance for ten years now, those suckers owe me! Not to mention I can’t leave Mr. M with the full brunt of paying for IVF with half our income gone.

For now, I guess I should just start waking up earlier…